KING OF THE TOOLS

I've been flummoxed by the royal tool-ness of Stuart Scott's "Two Way" column from the moment I first subscribed to ESPN The Magazine. The jock-sniffing broadcaster never met an athlete he wouldn't kow-tow to; in particular, his impassioned defense of poor, persecuted Barry Bonds is the height of I'll-say-anything-if-you-keep-talking-to-me logrolling. But the man who helped dumb down the English language with insipid nonsequiters like "booyah" has topped himself. And, frankly, I don't think he should get a pass for this.

In a recent Two-Way column, Scott, unsurprisingly, was appalled by the "nappy ho" remarks of radio personality Don Imus. I don't have a problem with that. Imus is an unfunny, arrogant dolt on the air and deserved the public flogging he received. But here's where Scott went over the edge. A question was posed about Don Imus' statements versus the mile-long rapsheet of suspended Tennessee Titans cornerback Pacman Jones. For those unfamiliar with Jones' alleged crimes, here's a quick recap.
• 2005: arreseted for assault and felony vandalism
• 2006: cited for misdemeanor assault for spitting in the face of a female student at Tennessee State.
• 2007: (this one courtesy of Wikipedia) during the 2007 NBA All-Star Game weekend in Las Vegas, Jones is alleged to have been involved in an altercation with an exotic dancer at a local strip club. According to the club's co-owner, Jones approached the stage with a garbage bag filled with approximately $81,000 in one-dollar bills. Jones proceeded to throw the money into the air over the exotic dancers for a dramatic effect, an act known as "making it rain". Becoming enraged when one of the dancers began taking the money without his permission, Jones grabbed her by her hair and slammed her head on the stage. A security guard intervened and scuffled with members of Jones' entourage of half a dozen people, during which time Jones allegedly bit the guard on the lower leg. Jones then allegedly threatened the guard's life. After the patrons of the club exited, the club owner says a person in Jones' entourage returned with a gun and fired into a crowd, hitting three people, including the security guard involved in the earlier skirmish. Although the guard was shot twice, one of the people hit, former professional wrestler Tommy Urbanski, was paralyzed from the waist down.Jones maintains that he did not know the shooter, although the club's owner insists that Jones did.On March 26, 2007 the Las Vegas Police recommended to the city's district attorney that Jones be charged with one count of felony coercion and also a misdemeanor count of battery and a misdemeanor count of threat to life

Of course, we already know where Stuart Scott stands on this. He's behind Pacman all the way. And I quote, "Personally, though, I'll take Pacman's indiscretions over those of Imus."

"Indiscretions?" Hello. ?!?!?!?

If Pacman ever grabs Scott by the hair and slams his head on the pavement, perhaps his opinion will change. But that'll never happen, 'cause Stu's got his back.