DEEP DOO-DOO

One of the things that most annoys me as a homeowner are the assholes with dogs who can’t be bothered to pick up after their animals. I’ve often walked to the patch of lawn in front of my lovely property in the bowels of Valley Glen, only to see still-moist excrement from some irresponsible dolt who hasn’t any respect for their neighbors. Our neighbor Jean has the right idea: She has a small wooden sign posted on her property. It depicts a crouching pooch doing the doo. Painted inside the mutt’s torso is one simple word: NO!

I keep meaning to buy a sign on the Web, but it somehow slips my mind amid the gazillion other things that fill space in my brain. Still, I do my best to monitor the situation by eye. Our front door is partially glass, so I can check out the scenery if I’m so inclined. Often, if I see a dog and his human pausing on our lawn, I’ll open the door and walk down the driveway in order to create a bit of fear.

I’ve never actually caught anybody in the act, though. Not until Sunday morning. It was my turn to get up with the kids, so I was up early – making breakfast, filling sippy cups, changing Olivia’s diaper. I randomly looked outside and saw a man paused on our lawn with his Rottweilers. When he walked off, I checked it out.

There it was, red-hot (well maybe not red, but surely hot) fecal evidence. Now, what to do? Carrie, my wife, was not yet up, and Emmett and Olivia were puzzled as to why I was outside. I turned back to them, told them I’d be right back, and sprinted to catch up to the offender. I was barefoot, wearing only plaid flannel pajama bottoms and old ratty T-shirt. I caught up to him as a I turned the corner, and cut right to the chase.

“Hey… you gonna pick up after your dog?”

He looked guilty, but you never know. I don’t know people usually respond to such things. Are they embarrassed? Pissed? I was amped on pure adrenaline (no coffee yet) and was prepared to carry his dog’s shit by hand and chuck it onto his lawn if need be. All I can say is that it’s this guy’s good fortune that he came back to clean up his dog’s mess. I am tired of being shat upon.