GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK

Like most of us, my son, Emmett, 4, is a creature of habit. His day usually winds down with a bath, some dinner, and 45 minutes of PBS Sprout, sort of a dumping ground network for PBS Kids programming, dominated by inoffensive shows like Thomas the Tank Engine, Sagwa, and the Berenstain Bears. These shows, chopped into 15-minute segments, are often educational and thankfully are bereft of superheroes or aggressive plots.

Sprout calls their nighttime programming The Good Night Show, and since we’d been tuning in, it had been hosted by Melanie (Melanie Martinez), who sat, wide-eyed, in a oversized chair next to a star-shaped pillow, occasionally getting off of her tush for arts and crafts demonstrations. Martinez wasn’t a particularly good actress – she read her lines like someone who was reading lines – but then again, I’m not really the demographic the network’s going for. Emmett, though, was clearly smitten, asking for Melanie by name when it was time to tune to The Good Night Show.

Then, one day, she simply disappeared, vanishing into the cable TV abyss. Emmett was bitterly disappointed. Actually, he freaked out for a few days when she wasn't on. I didn’t know what happened until I did some research – at that point I learned that she had been fired, for appearing -- seven years ago -- in videos spoofing teen abstinence PSAs. One originally appeared on a now-defunct site called Technical Virgin in which she espoused the virtues of anal sex as a means of chastity-retention. The clip was mildly amusing, marginally in bad taste. Martinez claims she told the network about the spoofs upon her hiring. When she learned that recently resurfaced on You Tube she notified her employer, who summarily fired her on July 20. Here's Sprout's official spin. They haven't totally wiped her out, though. She's still the voice of the sproutletsgrow site menu.

As a parent, I’m sad for Melanie and sad for Emmett. Sprout’s the big loser in all of this, their puritan paranoia putting the kibbosh of freedom of expression. Besides, it’s not as if she’s done porn. They were just silly spoofs. In fact, even PBS ombudsman Michael Getler thought the Martinez firing was a bad idea. He wrote: "It struck me as ironic that at the very time PBS is fighting against new Federal Communications Commission rulings about indecency that the network argues will inhibit documentary filmmakers and freedom of speech, it delivers a subjective punishment to a popular performer for something done seven years ago that was clearly a spoof." Parents online seem to be rallying 'round Melanie. Among the arguments is that Sprout’s operating a double standard – Melanie goes, but what about George "Seven words you can't say on television" Carlin, a narrator on many episodes of Thomas, or Alec Baldwin, who does voice over for the network (anyone see Miami Blues lately? A great flick, but total degenerate filmmaking – RIP Ted Demme).

And what will become of sweet Melanie? I’m guessing Larry Flynt’s gonna offer to throw some dough her way. Just say no, darling. There's got to something better out there.